We like to maintain a light hearted office. The MayeCreate crew jokes around the office quite often because we know how to have a little fun. Considering most of our clients are in the commercial construction industry, we’ve found a handful of jokes to brighten up your work day. We’ve scoured the internet looking for the best ones, and here you have them.
A contractor dies in a fishing accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band.
Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says “Congratulations!”
“Congratulations for what?” asks the contractor
“Congratulations for what?” says Saint Peter. “We are celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old.”
“But that’s not true,” says the consultant. “I only lived to be forty.”
“That’s impossible,” says Saint Peter, “we added up your time sheets!” (Cue Ba-Dum Tshh cymbal sound.)
Three contractors were touring the White House on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they each replied that they were contractors, the guard said, “Hey we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don’t you guys take a look at it and give me your bids.”
First the Florida contractor took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, “I figure the job will run about $900 — $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick calculations and said, “Looks like I can do this job for $700 — $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
Finally, the guard asks the New York contractor for his bid. Without batting an eye, the contractor says, “$2,700.”
The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”
“Easy,” says the contractor from New York, “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Missouri.”
There are two big conferences in NY- one for Engineers and one for Lawyers. They are both being held in the same building downtown. On the first day of the conference, two groups run into each other at the train station and chat while waiting in line to buy tickets into the city.
When they reach the counter, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three Engineers buy only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks a lawyer. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an Engineer.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats, but all three Engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the Engineers on the return trip and save some money (recognizing the Engineers’ superior intellect). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Engineers don’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed lawyer. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an Engineer.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three Engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”
A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The lawyer for the defendant was trying to discredit him and asked him how far away he was from the accident.
The carpenter replied, “Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches.”
“What? How come you are so sure of that distance?” asked the lawyer.
“Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!” replied the carpenter.
While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning.
I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.
With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors.
“Just a minute,” I said, thinking of a quick solution.
“I’ll put down newspapers.”
“That’s all right, lady,” he responded. “I’m already trained.”
A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting to go in the electric chair.
The chemist was brought forward first. “Do you have anything you want to say?” asked the executioner, strapping him in.”No,” replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and nothing happened.
Under State law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner is to be released, so the chemist was released.
Then the biologist was brought forward. “Do you have anything you want to say?” “No, just get on with it.” The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released.
Then the electrical engineer was brought forward. “Do you have anything you want to say?” asked the executioner. “Yes,” replied the engineer. “If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work.”
One morning a local highway department crew reached their job-site and realized they had forgotten all their shovels. The crew’s foreman radioed the office and told his supervisor of the situation. The supervisor radioed back and said, “Don’t worry, we’ll send some shovels … just lean on each other until they arrive.”
A man walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, “I got shingles.” She said, “Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you’re done, please take a seat.”
Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.” So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, “Change into this gown and wait in the examining room.”
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.” So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.” The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, “I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can’t find shingles anywhere.” The man replied, “They’re outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”
Now if you got a laugh out of these like we did, we suggest you share this with your construction friends. Give them a little pick-me-up for their day. We hope you aren’t like the subject of these jokes, but if you are, thanks for giving us a good laugh!